The transition to college is a roller coaster ride along the continuum of separation and independence that all families face. As children near adulthood, their parents face the daunting task of allowing them to experience a healthy separation from their family into an independent life. When all goes well, parents offer their children “roots and wings” from birth through adulthood, and the children mature into independent, healthy, successful adults.
There are many points along the way in which children’s experiences and parents’ reactions help build independence. The transition to college is a major building block in this emotional and physical growth. A child’s adult identity is also formed during the lifelong separation process, but there are often fits and starts along the way. Two steps forward and one step back describes perfectly even the best pattern of the separation process. While there is no way to predict exactly how a family will experience separation and independence of their children, it helps the process go smoothly when we understand what is involved for the family.
Understanding normal psychological development can alleviate frustration in teens and anxiety in parents. As children develop, they need and want to act and think more independently. At the same time, parents are faced with the increasing awareness that they must let go of their fantasy that they alone keep their children healthy and safe. They are also hit hard, at some point, with the reality that one day the children will be gone from the family home. Because life is changing for the family, both parents and kids face a loss as a result of even the healthiest of separations. Loss can include feelings of sadness, alienation, anger, and resentment. It is a grief process that resolves itself by accepting that life has changed, maybe even for the better. For years before students actually begin college, both parents and students are responding to the emotions experienced as this loss unfolds. The sometimes unrealistic expectations and tension faced by the family as the admissions process plays out brings the feelings of grief and loss to the forefront.
There are things parents and teenagers can do to ease the transition. The first thing to do is to take a step back and relax. College offers the student wonderful life experiences and new opportunities wherever he or she ends up attending school. Keep a sense of perspective about the admissions process. Use the enclosed timelines to support yourselves through Junior and Senior years of high school. As the process progresses, parents and teens should keep in mind:
- Teens – Remember that your parents are major stakeholders in your life and your future. Don’t be surprised when they take an interest in both!
- Parents – Remember that your children are growing into separate and independent individuals, and they will benefit from your permission to do so.
- Teens – There is a great deal of support available for you as you transition from high school to college. Take advantage of the help offered through the high school guidance department and the college counseling service, as well as residential life programs. The EAP is just a phone call away and can be accessed for face-to-face counseling while at school or at home.
- Parents – You may need to get your own support. Talk to other adults who have kids in college or are dealing with the same issue. The EAP is always available for support and problem solving, no matter what aspect of the transition to college is troubling you.
- The issue of separation pervades every aspect of a family’s life. Think of it as growth rather than loss or something a child does to hurt a parent.
- High school graduates may regress during the summer before college starts. One day you feel like you can conquer the world, the next day you feel like crying and have no idea why. Parents and students should expect to experience these mixed feelings and wait out the low moods. Everyone is being pulled between the way things used to be and what life will turn into.
So much change is happening during the student’s important move toward independence. With change comes intense feelings – anxiety about leaving home; excitement about meeting a new roommate; worry on the part of parents that the adjustment to school will be hard; and relief of teens that no one is asking where you are going, who you are going with, and what time you will be home! Feelings of stress are often the result of change.
Parents, while finding support for yourselves through the EAP or elsewhere, you can be the wind in your children’s sails and help them grow into the best possible adults they can be.
Students, while you ease into your new role, new surroundings, newfound independence, and new friends, remember to contact the EAP any time you need to talk to someone.
