The loss of a pregnancy through miscarriage or stillbirth is a particular kind of loss and therefore can bring forth particular kinds of emotions. For some, it is perceived as an unfortunate medical experience or something that was “meant to be.” For others, however, it is a death of a child and thus a profound loss. The fact that the child was carried in your womb or held in your arms for just a short period, with few memories or tangible evidence of life, can make the grief even more painful and isolating.
The emotions felt after a miscarriage or stillbirth are as varied as the parents who experience them. Some common grief reactions include:
- Crying
- Loneliness or feelings of isolation
- Anger, guilt, blame
- A need to talk about the death or loss
- Change in appetite or sleep patterns
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
- Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, or depression
- Headaches or body aches
It is important to remember that there is no one or right way to feel after a miscarriage or stillbirth. Regardless of how the grief may express itself, it is important that family and friends support and respect your feelings.
Myths and Realities
Myth: You will feel all better in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.
Reality: The days and nights will feel sad and difficult for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.
Myth: A new pregnancy will help you forget.
Reality: While thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost baby deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving can be very difficult.
Myth: God must be punishing you for something.
Reality: The unfortunate truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. It isn’t fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, “Why?” Thought sometimes there are answers, most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.
Myth: You will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.
Reality: You may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies or pregnant women. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous as you wonder why you couldn’t have had that joy. You may be resentful, refuse to see friends with new babies, or even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You may also feel shame about these thoughts and feelings. It’s important to remember that you are human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. These feelings will eventually go away.
Myth: Eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.
Reality: When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected. No one can really accept that. However, there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive, and you will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.
Suggestions for Healing
The following are suggestions for ways to help with the healing process:
- Look after yourself physically. Try to eat well, get some gentle exercise, and have enough sleep.
- Seek emotional support from family, friends, support groups, clergy, or a professional counselor. It helps to discuss things with a compassionate listener.
- Visit your doctor for a follow-up appointment. Knowing you are recovering physically will help put your mind at ease.
- Consider indulging yourself as a bit of distraction. Try massage or a weekend away.
- If it feels comfortable, commemorate your baby’s brief life. You could try:
· Naming your baby
· Holding a remembrance service
· Planting a tree
· Setting flowers or a message in a bottle afloat on the sea
· Writing a letter or a poem to your baby
· Wearing a special piece of jewelry in your baby’s memory
· Creating a memory box for cards, flowers, and any other mementos
- Keep a journal. Write about anything – how you felt when you were pregnant, what the loss meant to you, how you manage to get through each new day.
- Expect your partner to deal with their grief differently from you. The time after a loss is often a tough time in a relationship, and if you have trouble communicating, it is sometimes helpful to try couples counseling.
- Above all, be gentle with yourself. Remember your feelings and thoughts are normal and that grief is a process.
