The ending of a marriage is so much more than a legal process. While it is necessary to make a formal split in the eyes of the law, many people overlook the incredible emotional toll that the divorce process can have on everyone involved—even extended family members and friends.

 

What makes divorce even more complex is that everyone handles it differently. Some may be more vulnerable to the emotional side of the separation process and others may not experience the difficult feelings until all the legal aspects are sorted out.   In addition to seeking legal counsel, it can be helpful to consider collaborative law mediation and/or counseling to make a shift from long-standing habits with one’s spouse and to keep exchanges as cordial as possible.  

 

Whether a divorce is amicable or contentious, it is very common to experience quite a range of feelings including sadness, anger, embarrassment, rejection, outrage, grace, and even compassion.  It is key to remind yourself that you will eventually heal and find hope again.

 

When something as earth shaking as a divorce is happening to you and your family, it’s quite natural to slip into denial.  Denial is a coping mechanism used to protect ourselves from situations where we are likely to become emotionally overwhelmed.  Denial can be useful at times for it enables you to get up, take care of family members, and accomplish your daily tasks.  Denial is in place for very good reasons, however, it’s also important to notice when it’s no longer helpful and potentially harmful.

Once you’ve moved beyond denial, you might feel a mix of anger, shock, panic, depression, and even rage.  You may feel like you’re riding an emotional rollercoaster, afraid of the future and the impacts on your child(ren), and wondering how you will ever come through the divorce in one piece.  This is also often the time period where one spouse might take their feelings out on the other.  After the initial shock and anger subside, you could be at risk of falling into a depression at this stage.  This may be a key time to seek the professional support of a counselor and keep mindful of other self-care strategies. 

This phase is when you find yourself holding onto a secret hope that your marriage will be magically restored.  You’d do just about anything to get things right and give the relationship one last shot.  Things may not have been perfect before, but they seem a lot better than where you are right now.  Please be kind and patient with yourself.  You may find it useful to speak with loving, non-judgmental friends and family during this time of confusion. 

You’ve been riding many waves of emotions and they are now finally slowing down enough for you to truly absorb that the marriage has ended.  There is nothing more you can say or do that will change things.  While there is sadness, you are likely to feel more hopeful and liberated as a sense of certainty starts to take root.  During this stage, you are more apt to forgive the faults of your former spouse and own responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the partnership.  

You’ve arrived at the final chapter of your marriage and have the knowledge and strength needed to focus on a fulfilling life.  You have been “forged by the fire”, as they say, with new self-understanding.  You’re no longer dwelling on the past and instead look forward to growing.  You might be open to new interests, friendships, and even a romantic relationship.  The pain and anguish that you endured were necessary to experience this renewed sense of hope and purpose.  You now know that there is life after divorce.

Divorce is rarely simple and pain-free; you have been through a profound loss.  The above stages are not distinct or linear and you might return to prior stages at different times and for different durations.  It's important to remember along the road of separation and divorce that you can receive help, especially because you’ll be affected by the ways in which your children, extended family members, and friends are grieving, too.  Try to remain open to ways in which you can take care of yourself, which may include a professional counselor and other healing approaches.