When a child, teen, or young adult starts to express their gender as something other than what others have always thought it to be, this can cause a parent to experience confusion, disbelief, and/or worry. A visible change in gender expression, for example, is when a child who has always worn feminine presenting looking clothing now frequently or exclusively wears clothing thought of as masculine. For example, a change in gender identity can include a child asking to be called a masculine sounding name when you have always used their feminine sounding name.
When learning new information about your child’s gender identity, it is natural to be unsure of how to respond or guide them. Parents often worry they will “say the wrong thing”. Some parents wonder if a gender identity other than boy or girl, and man or woman, indicates a mental health problem (spoiler alert: it does not). These are only some of the concerns and questions with which families grapple when their child begins to verbalize and visibly display a “new” gender identity.
This handout provides information to help you understand gender in a different way, and consequently understand yourself and your child in a different way. Acquiring information as well as reflecting upon long-held beliefs about gender will go a long way toward staying connected to a child of any age throughout their gender journey.
One way to bridge communication and connection is to have a common language with which to discuss your loved one’s experience. Here is a sampling of terms:
- Sex: Sex is based upon the anatomy with which one is born. Babies get assigned “male” or “female” at birth based upon their sex organs. However, sex does not always correspond to the gender the person will eventually experience internally. Therefore, the phrase “gender assigned at birth” is used to acknowledge that one’s sex/physiology is not always aligned with gender.
- Gender: This is a person’s internal sense of themselves. No two people experience their gender in the same ways, which is what makes it a complex and fascinating part of our identities. Gender identity does not have to do with one’s anatomy or sexual orientation, although they can be related. If you are interested in visual depictions of gender as a spectrum (along with other elements of your identity such as gender expression and sexual orientation), please visit The Gender Unicorn and The Genderbread Person.
- Gender Identity: You may be learning that there are many gender identities in addition to masculine and feminine, such as nonbinary or gender nonconforming. Nonbinary is an umbrella term for numerous different gender identities, which date as far back as 400 B.C. Here are a few of the many terms that fall under the non-binary or gender nonconforming umbrella: trans or transgender, gender neutral, agender, bigender, gender queer, gender fluid, etc. If your gender identity matches the gender you were assigned at birth, you are referred to as a cismale or cisfemale, and cisgenders are the majority.
- Gender Expression: You express your gender in many ways and some of them are observable, meaning, they are viewed as masculine, feminine, a mix of both, and neither. For example, gender can be expressed through clothing, hair style, accessories, activities, interests, mannerisms, and much more. It is helpful to remain aware that our Western society does what is called “gendering” within the binary of masculine and feminine. This means that people have beliefs about which activities, toys, professions, interests, and even emotional states belong to which gender. For people of all genders, this can restrict their identity overall.
These terms are offered to assist you if your child, adolescent, or adult child is describing and/or visually conveying a gender identity that is new to you. When things are new and changing, you can utilize some common language for stability. You can also offer this language when speaking with a younger child who might not yet have the words to describe a complex internal experience.
If interested in additional reading, please visit
Gender Spectrum or PFLAG’s
publications. (PFLAG supports parents/guardians whose children are LGBTQIA+.) Familiarizing yourself with concepts and terminology is helpful, however, these publications will emphasize that it is extremely important to provide a safe and nurturing space in which your child can share what they are thinking and feeling.
Having a gender identity that is not strictly masculine or feminine is not inherently linked to other mental health problems. For example, in terms of transgender people, according to the American Psychological Association, “many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling….For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination.” Support is about being open, accepting, and understanding of your loved one, in this moment.
