The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. The bereaved struggle with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt. Often, they feel isolated and alone in their grief. Having someone to lean on can help them through the grieving process.
It can be difficult to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may feel helpless, awkward, afraid, or unsure, but it is important not to let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. Now more than ever, your support is needed. You do not need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is simply to be there. Your support and caring presence will help them cope with the pain and begin to heal.
What to Say
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide:
- Acknowledge the situation: “I heard that your_____ died.” Using the word “died” shows that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
- Express your concern: “I’m sorry to hear this happened to you.”
- Be genuine in your communication and don’t hide your feelings: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
- Offer your support: “Tell me what I can do for you.”
- Ask how he or she feels and don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Comments to Avoid
You should also avoid certain comments when grief is raw and new and people are at their most vulnerable:
- “I know how you feel.” One can never know how another may feel. You could instead ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
- “It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry, and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”
- “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
- “He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
- “This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to moving on because they feel this means forgetting their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
- Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with, “Have you thought about…” or “You might…”
Listen with Compassion
Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving, but knowing how to listen is much more important. While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss. The bereaved needs to feel that her loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and her loved one won’t be forgotten.
- Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
- Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
- Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
- Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to know what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.
Offer Practical Assistance
There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:
- Shop for groceries or run errands
- Drop off a casserole or other type of food
- Help with funeral arrangements
- Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
- Help with insurance forms or bills
- Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
- Watch their children or pick them up from school
- Drive them wherever they need to go
- Look after their pets
- Go with them to a support group meeting
- Accompany them on a walk
- Take them to lunch or a movie
- Share an enjoyable activity, such as a game, puzzle, or art project
It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden, or be too depressed to reach out. You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions, taking the initiative, and offering consistent help if you can.
Provide Ongoing Support
Grieving continues long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The grief process is different for everyone, but grief typically lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years. The following are ways you can provide ongoing support:
- Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.
- Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside while inside he or she is suffering.
- Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same for the bereaved. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss, the pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.
- Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.
Watch for Warning Signs
A grieving person often feels depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. However, if these symptoms don’t gradually fade over time – or they get worse – this may indicate a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.
Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period, especially if it’s been over two months since the death:
- Difficulty functioning in daily life
- Extreme focus on the death
- Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Inability to enjoy life
- Hallucinations
- Withdrawing from others
- Constant feelings of hopelessness
- Talking about dying or suicide
It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person. You don’t want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping. Perhaps you should look into getting help.”
